by guest author Stephanie Ann Frieze¹

The fierce, proud dragon Menschenbrenner² was known for burning his victims alive at the first sign of trouble. He could throw the fire he breathed farther than most men could throw a stone. Still, he never burned a man or woman that he was not going to eat. He felt that a cow or horse made a much more satisfying meal. He longed to try an elephant someday, but there were no elephants to be found in the lands where he lived.

The fearsome Frauenfresser was a dragon known for gobbling up women as fast as she could. I can’t say that she never had such a feast. I can’t even say that she didn’t enjoy it when she did. But she also knew that gobbling up every woman around was no way to manage her lands. Not unless she wanted all the humans gone. Of course, she didn’t.

Until the first time they met, it didn’t matter to anyone that Menschenbrenner was a he-dragon and that Frauenfresser was a she-dragon. They both flew around their lands every night, to make sure everything was all right. They shared a long border that went from north to south. The night they met, he was headed north along the border and she was headed south. He wanted to meet her again, so he flew south along the border the next night. This time, she was headed north. Their eyes met, and they stopped to talk a moment, and then went on their way. From then on, they always met at the northern end of their border and headed south, talking the whole way.

Soon, they decided to share more than a border. They decided to get married. Dragons from thousands of miles around came to the wedding. The feast lasted for days. Once they were married, their lands were joined together. They both tended to all of the land, and they flew over it together each night.

After many happy years together, they had a child. This is where our story really starts. This baby girl dragon was breathing fire from the moment her egg was cracked open. She was the first child born into the peace they had created together, and they named her Friedenfeuer.

Now, a dragon remains a baby for six or seven years, and can learn a great deal in that time. Friedenfeuer’s parents watched with pride and joy as she explored and learned every day. But they couldn’t watch her every minute. They had to find food, and they had to watch their lands. It could be that they didn’t spend enough time watching what she learned. But they didn’t see anything wrong with all the time little Friedenfeuer spent watching the humans. They had spent some of their own youthful hours watching humans the way a human child might watch ants.

But little Friedenfeuer was amazed at what the humans could do. What wonderful hands they had! Those tiny hands were able to do so much more than her own hands, or even her parents’ hands, could do! What complex noises the humans made with their mouths! It was so much like talking, she could hardly believe that it wasn’t! As it turns out, her father told her later that humans could talk, but not to be fooled by that. They could only talk about very simple and primitive things.

She thought about these things a lot, but she could tell that her parents didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t know why. They just seemed disturbed or upset whenever she brought up the subject. So she learned to keep these thoughts to herself. She made a game of watching what the humans did, and imagining the thoughts behind each action. She pretended that they lived, loved, traded, and made all they could of their lives, even the short lives that humans were given.

She never noticed when this stopped being a game to her and she started to believe it. But, once she knew she believed it, she couldn’t stop believing it. To her, humans were thinking, feeling individuals, just like dragons. Her parents’ arguments sounded hollow and false, even though she could not argue against any of their excellent points. It was just a feeling she could not shake.

Because she never argued with her parents, they had no idea how seriously she took her ideas. They saw a bright, inventive little squiggly-worm. They were delighted by her cleverness and curiosity. Her parents never really noticed when she stopped eating humans. She never argued about it, but just set them aside and ate other things instead. There were always plenty of cows and pigs and chickens to eat. They didn’t eat humans that often, anyway. It was a small thing, and she was careful not to make it obvious.

One day, there was a disturbing change in the Western Kingdom. This was in the area that Menschenbrenner had protected before merging lands with Frauenfresser. The king there started allowing humans living near the castle to house the animals they raised within the safety of the castle walls at night.

The dragons had no reason to worry about running out of food. There was plenty of food to be had in the country, and the king of the Eastern Kingdom had made no such change yet. But the two adult dragons believed there was a pattern that had to be stopped. If the humans learned that a few stone walls could protect the animals they raised, smaller fortresses would begin appearing all over. Breaking down stone walls is hard work, even for a dragon. No dragon wants to work that hard every day.

The adult dragons thought they knew just what to do. The Western king’s castle was a white fortress built into an enormous hill. It was the perfect target for their new baby warrior to take on! What better place could there be for her to learn her fighting skills? Even tiny baby Friedenfeuer could burn the life out of every animal in that castle before the sleepy creatures even knew what was coming. The dragons would have enough cooked food to last for days, and their baby would come out an expert fighter. It was perfect!

The moment before Menschenbrenner took his daughter aside, he had no idea that his daughter would resist him. He expected a short and easy discussion. He was completely unprepared for the ideas he was about to hear from his beloved baby. At that same moment, Friedenfeuer considered her ideas private. She was not thinking about telling her parents about any of them.

Menschenbrenner started out, telling her, “You know we rarely bother the humans in any big way. We just attack here and there so they remember who’s in charge.”

“Yes, Papa. I think that’s wise.”

“Well, it’s time now to do something more. The humans are hiding the other animals behind big stone walls to protect them from us.”

“So, we’re going to break down those stone walls?”

“We could, but it’s hard work, and they’d just build them back again.”

“Well, can’t we just find food out in the country, where there are no stone walls?”

“Yes, again, we could. But the humans are smart little beasts. If we let them succeed, they’ll start building stone shelters all over. More and more of their animals will be protected. Soon, it will be difficult to get so much as a mouthful without breaking down a big stone wall. Have you ever broken down a stone wall? You get a big bruise every time. A bruise per mouthful will leave us either battered or starved, and possibly both. Plus, those humans learn by doing. Every time we knock down a wall, we’ll be teaching them how to build stronger walls, even more difficult to knock down.”

“How do you know all that’s going to happen? Has it happened before?”

“Not exactly like this, but it fits the human pattern. Give my centuries of experience some respect. I may not have all the details just right. But, if we do nothing, they’ll make it harder and harder for us to get our dinner. Make no mistake about that!”

“Okay, so what do we do?”

“We take out their castle.”

“Take it out of what? And where do we put it?”

“No, we destroy that white castle, and every animal in it.”

“No, please, I don’t want you and Mama to do that.”

“Oh, don’t worry. Your mother and I have no plans to destroy that castle.”

“You don’t? But you said we have to…”

“I shouldn’t have said ‘we’. I should have said ‘you’.”

“Me? You want ME to destroy the castle? I’m still just a baby!”

“Yes, a very smart, brave baby! You’re just the right age to destroy your first castle! What do you say? It’ll be fun!”

“I want to talk to them first.”

“What? Talk to whom?”

“Talk to the humans. If they know what they’re doing to us…”

“TALK to them? I told you, little fireball, their language is….”

“I know their language. It’s much more expressive than you think.”

“Expressive – F’resser, can you come talk to your daughter?”

Frauenfresser had been close enough to hear most of what had been going on. “How did you learn their language, Squirmy-Wormy?”

“Just by watching and listening. Mothers talking to little ones helped a lot.”

“You talk just like they’re dragons, Sparky-Sweet!”

“Well, of course they’re not dragons. And maybe they’re not as smart as dragons…”

“Maybe?” interrupted her father.

“Maybe!” declared Friedenfeuer. “I don’t know yet. I haven’t met enough dragons.”

“Take my word for it,” he replied. “They’re nowhere near as smart as we are.”

She thought for a moment. “Is it okay to kill a stupid dragon?”

“Well, one that’s stupid enough to wander onto our lands…”

“’Brenner!” interrupted Frauenfresser in a warning tone.

“No, I mean a dragon on his own lands, minding his own business, but maybe too stupid to watch out for himself,” clarified Friedenfeuer.

“Well,” considered her father, “a dragon not watching out for himself usually deserves what he gets. But he shouldn’t have to watch out for other dragons. That’s why we have laws. I could get in big trouble for attacking another dragon on his own lands, even a stupid one.”

“Is that the reason?”

“Is what the reason for what?

“The fact that you could get in trouble – is that the reason you don’t attack stupid dragons all the time?”

“Well no, of course not. I leave other dragons alone because it’s the right thing to do.”

“That’s why I want to leave the humans alone – or at least talk to them first. Because it’s the right thing to do.”

“But it’s different. There is absolutely no rule…”

“Because…it’s…the…right…thing…to…DO!”

“But they’re not…” she glared at him. “They have no…” she glared even harder. “You go attack that castle RIGHT NOW!”

“There’s some good parenting!” said Frauenfresser. “Brenny, it’s not even dark yet!”

“Well, then, attack the castle tonight! This very night!” he revised.

“Still not too tactful,” said his wife. “Li’l’ Torchie, where did you ever get it into your head that humans are anything more than really smart animals?”

“Really smart animals with FEELINGS,” added the baby dragon.

“Different feelings – animal feelings.”

“How do you know? Can you tell what they’re thinking – or what they’re feeling?”

“Listen, Friedie”, said her father gently. “You are projecting your own feelings onto them. They look like they’re having dragon-like thoughts and feelings. That’s why you think they are. You feel for them, so you think they can feel for themselves. But it’s just not the same thing.”

“I don’t just think it,” said Friedenfeuer. “I know their language. I understand it. If you can say they don’t have real feelings, I could say the same about you. All I know about your feelings comes from what you say and what you do. Maybe all this time I’ve been projecting myself onto you!”

“A baby dragon shouldn’t even be able to talk like that,” mumbled Frauenfresser into her husband’s ear.

But Friedenfeuer heard her. “It’s a good thing I can,” she said, “or you might decide I was just some kind of animal that looked like a dragon.”

“Just think over what we’ve talked about,” said her father. “Your mother’s right. You have some time before it gets dark. Maybe by then you’ll change your mind.”

“I won’t.”

“Let’s just see.”

They watched the sun set behind the castle, turning it all kinds of lovely colors. The two parents watched their daughter from a distance, wondering what she would do. They were quiet until about midnight.

“Hey, fireball,” said her dad. “It may take a few hours to get through the castle. You should get started.”

“I’m not going,” she said.

“Are the humans going to be any less dead if your mother and I attack the castle?”

“No, probably more dead – and I can’t stop you. But please just let me talk to them. What can it hurt to talk to them?”

“You have until tomorrow morning to finish the job. If you want to eat, that’s where your food is coming from.”

“I’m not that hungry,” she said.

Dawn came, and the castle was even more beautiful, not being in silhouette this time. Menschenbrenner flew out and came back with two large bulls. He and his wife enjoyed them side by side. Friedenfeuer watched in silence. Her stomach was rumbling, but she tried hard not to let them hear it.

Her parents flew off toward their cave to sleep, and she started to follow.

“No,” her father said. “You’re not sleeping in our cave. Find your own place to sleep.”

“Papa?”

He stopped and landed. His daughter and wife landed nearby. He faced the baby dragon. “Yes?”

“I love you, Papa. I love you, too, Mama. I don’t know what else I can do to help you see what I see. I also don’t know how to stop seeing what I see. Each human is a living, feeling, important being, as important as you or me. You think I’m too little to understand, but I won’t change. I don’t want to defy you, but I can’t think what else to do. If you won’t feed me, I’ll find food. If you won’t give me shelter, I’ll find that, too. If you won’t let me stay on your lands, I’ll leave them. I’ll find some place to be. But I won’t attack humans who’ve done me no wrong – not ever.”

Her parents took to the sky again, off toward their cave to sleep. She just stood there, wondering what to do next. There was a great, wide world out there. Somehow, she would find a place in it. She didn’t know how, but she had time to figure that out. The big decision was made. Humans were her equals. She would never again treat them as animals. The rest would work itself out somehow. There was no need to agonize over it anymore. She curled up in the long meadow grass. She let the fear and worry wash over her. She could deal with her troubles later, when she woke up. But, for now, it was time to sleep. So she did.
_________________________
¹This is the work mentioned in Five Friends and a Book, and its earlier version.  The author resents allegations that she is not real, even though she has not yet heard any.  She asserts (and quite rightly so) that she is every bit as real as the dragons she writes about.

²Experts in the tongues of dragons have told the author that this name would be more accurately represented as “Menschenverbrenner”. Ms. Frieze, however, has not seen fit to alter her text, which had already been published, and the authors of the following sequels have kept the name the same. Similarly, the experts say that “Friedenfeuer” should be “Friedensfeuer”. Human understanding of dragon tongues is, however, incomplete at best, and the authors stand by their decisions.

Though we spent a lot of nights together from that point on, we lived separately for most of the summer.  I continued to think about how to make our lives together.  Cindi had still not chosen a major, though she would have to give it more thought before the fall, since many departments required a decision by the beginning of the junior year.  But the fact remained that I was not sure what she would do after she finished, or whether she would contribute much to our income.  I had to move forward without assuming she would.

So I had a talk with my employers, the apartment owners.  Again, honesty paid off.  You see, I told them I might have to seek other employment soon.  I wanted to give them ample opportunity to find a replacement.  Instead, they had an offer for me.  They had an apartment complex nearer Cindi’s campus.

While it was largely rented out to students, there was a more expensive group of apartments in the complex set apart from the cheaper student apartments.  In short, they were dissatisfied with the job that the manager was doing there, and were ready to let him go.  In contrast, they were very pleased with how I had been running things, and they were willing to make me a nice deal in order to keep me.

The current manager of that complex was given one of the student apartments to live in.  The owners offered me one of the better apartments, plus a covered parking space, if I would agree to manage both complexes.  The pay they offered was almost three times what I made managing just the one complex in the center of town.  It still wasn’t a fortune by anyone’s standards, but it was a start.

It didn’t take long to move my things into the new apartment, a two-bedroom suite with almost twice the square footage of my other place, with much nicer carpet, bigger windows, and a cleaner kitchen.  It was a place good enough to share, and I was soon sharing it.  Cindi moved in, and, when she wasn’t too busy with her studies, actually helped me with my management duties.  It was wonderful, as always, having her company.

The second bedroom was her study room.  We slept together every night, and lived, in my mind, like married people.  To others, I’m sure, we appeared to be the normal cohabitating couple, but it’s often hard to tell the difference these days.  We shared our love in every way now; our sexuality was a natural extension of the love and friendship we’d developed together, and it was an enormous relief to share it.

The covered parking spot went to Cindi’s car.  Managing the complex nearer to Memorial Park, I hadn’t needed one, and had found it best to do without.  Now, when going back to do work on that complex, I usually did so when Cindi was free and could drive me there.  If not, I could make the trip in a half hour, and was used to trips twice that long.  Life has a slower pace when you don’t have a car, and, for years, that had suited me just fine.

Now, however, it was a little more difficult to maintain that slow lifestyle.  I was paid three times as much for a good reason.  There was almost three times as much work to do, and half-hour bike trips really cut into my schedule.  It was good that she could reduce my workload a little, both by driving me back and forth and by helping when she had time.

We shared a lot.  I would read her textbooks while she studied other subjects.  I read most of them, in subjects including economics, literature, psychology, and sociology.  Sometimes, if I was current with her reading, I’d help her think about her assignments, comment on her papers, and, when I could, give pointers when she was stuck.  But, by and large, she did her own work, and I couldn’t help her with her French at all.  I never really aspired to learn a foreign language.

We were a team.  Our job was to make a life together, and we were off to a very good start.  I would have gladly done all the work just to have her around, but she was honorable, and contributed materially to our livelihood by helping with my work.  We had come together through mutual respect of common values, and those same values kept us strong.  It really seemed perfect at the time.

Our only real time apart was when she was in classes or study groups.  And, if she needed to unwind with her fellow students after a long, hard week, I didn’t begrudge her that.  She always called if she was going to be late, and never drove home impaired.  In general, she was never more than 15-20 minutes’ bike ride away, and I could drive home with my bike in the back of her car.

I only did that once or twice before renewing my driver’s license.  Fortunately, I never got into trouble.  I don’t like breaking laws, but I did it only when it was clearly the lesser of two evils.  In my years of getting around on my bike, I had let my driver’s license expire.  But, since I hadn’t forgotten how to drive, it was a simple matter to get it restored, and it made life easier.

If much of this seems like the perfectly normal beginnings of a relationship to you, I should point two things out.  First, it was not normal for me.  As you must have gathered by now, if anybody is reading this at all, I am no Casanova.  I have always pursued principles that I feel are more important than socially interacting with everyone who happens by.  My feeling has always been that anyone worth knowing would be deep enough to see past my lack of social skills.  (This does not mean, however, that everyone deep enough to see past my lack of social skills is worth knowing.  I have, on occasion, forgotten this.)

The second thing I should point out is that the relationship was perfectly normal.  It was proceeding in a perfectly normal fashion, despite the curves I threw at it.  It seemed to be a force more powerful than Cindi and me put together, and it seemed to accommodate my values only as a temporary measure.  And, when it saw fit to have me compromise them, it bore down hard, until I relented.

I rationalized every step, of course.  At first, as you’ve seen, it was merely a matter of postponing caution, letting things progress.  I still can’t convince myself any of that was actually wrong – except inasmuch as it is wrong to place oneself in the way of temptation.  Still, I had no reason to believe I would fall.

Each time Cindi and I parted, however, it became more difficult to say goodbye.  Sometimes, it was even painful.  And, as we kissed, feeling so close, I was torn apart inside.  The part of me resolved to refrain from sexual relations until marriage was directly at odds with the part of me that wanted to get closer and closer to Cindi.  There are so many ways to get close with someone, and I tried all I could think of.  Indeed, they worked.  We talked, laughed, learned all about each other.

But somehow I always wanted more.  Furthermore, I could see that she did, as well.  And, despite the efforts of both of us to be close, we felt a distance growing again.  This time, however, we both knew why, and we each knew the other knew why.  So, for a long time, we never said anything.  We avoided closeness to lessen the pain of parting, but it was a useless effort.  Being apart was even more painful.  It felt like a trap.

Was it time to be married?  Clearly not – she had to finish college.  She was in Liberal Arts, and had started the year before I met her.  Now, she was just finishing her second year.  It was spring, and we had known each other for about nine months.  That is when I felt the need to talk with her again.  And this is another conversation burned upon my memory, word for word.

“We need to talk,” I said to her.  We had actually not seen each other for almost a week, which would have, at one time, been very much unlike us.  Even though we both understood the problem, the time had come to do something about it – to decide whether to continue or to break it off.  The dynamics of the relationship no longer allowed compromise, it seemed.

She looked pensive, but agreed.  We needed to talk.  We were past the point where this talk was a risk to our relationship.  Not talking was a bigger risk, and we both knew it.  The past week of absence from each other was a testament to that fact.  I knew that something in my life – my relationship with Cindi, my principles, or some unanticipated combination of the two – was about to change, and that this very talk would set the direction of that change.

So I imagine I looked pensive, too.  Where I felt torn before, I felt the weight of the decision before me pressing down with devastating force.  It was enough to confuse me deeply – I had no idea how to proceed logically, or even honorably.  It was one of the most baffling moments of my life, yet it was a comfort to have her around to help, despite the fact that it was her crisis, too.  This is how good a friend she had become to me.

We talked about marrying right away.  It might have been the right thing to do, thinking back – but then maybe things would not have turned out any better.  At the time, the obstacles seemed too great.  Her family had mixed feelings about me.  They felt I was very honest and kind, but also were concerned over an apparent lack of ambition on my part.  There, I can hardly blame them.  In fact, I had already started to give thought to how I could provide a better life for her.  But that’s all I’d done: give thought to it.  There was no plan of action, and certainly no plan in action.

Overall, it just made sense to wait until she finished college to get married.  This would give us time to see what she would want to do with life, and would give me time to think about making a better living.  I had never really had a reason to make a better living before.  So we talked a while about just not seeing each other at all for a couple of years, and coming back together once she was about to graduate.

But this was as impossible emotionally as it was flimsy logically.  Our hearts and intellects both balked at the idea.  You should understand, we were in a world where things happened very quickly – in just over nine months, we had developed a relationship that felt this strong.  How could we endure two years apart?  A lot can happen in two years.  Even if we could endure the time apart, it felt like too big a risk – we could lose each other in that time.

We didn’t need to talk about maintaining the status quo.  We both knew that couldn’t work much longer, and was already beginning to fail.  It was why we were having this talk.  At about this time in the conversation, we found ourselves holding each other tightly and desperately, like two small children in mortal danger with nobody else to turn to.  I had no idea how this had happened – we had been on a bench outside the Liberal Arts building at her school when the conversation had started, feeling awkward and sitting a good three feet apart.  Now, we were clutching each other like terrified babies, and we must have been a sight to see.
Somewhat embarrassed, we let go, sat next to each other, and continued to talk.  We had to grow closer, we concluded, or break it off entirely – not without hope of ever getting back together, but certainly without assurance of it.  And we knew, once we faced the prospect head on, that separation was more than we could bear.  It was true for me, and I believe that it was true for her, or that she felt it was.

So that left only the question of how to grow closer.  She wanted to honor my principles, and we both wanted to honor the relationship – calling it a relationship seemed to trivialize the whole thing.  Relationships are things that people seem to fall into and out of with amazing regularity.  But we had nothing else to call it, as deep and wonderful as it seemed, and as profound and life-changing as it undoubtedly was.

Now, I see the logic we used to come to our conclusion as twisted and tortured, almost beyond belief.  Undoubtedly, many of you see that, as well.  In my own defense, I can say only two things: first, I did not know then what I do now – hindsight may not be twenty-twenty, but it’s certainly clearer than foresight; and second, we were, quite simply, not operating on logic.  We felt there were more powerful forces in action.  So we went forward, knowing we needed to keep the relationship alive.

I was faced with the need to justify my principles, not to Cindi, who felt immensely guilty for putting them at risk, but to myself.  I, in turn, felt immensely guilty for making her feel so bad.  While most of the principles I’ve mentioned were based on simple honor and honesty, on fairness and respect for my fellow man, I could not say the same thing for my beliefs on the sanctity of marriage.

Yet they had served me well over the years, and kept me from many emotional entanglements that would not have been profitable for me.  Even with Cindi, they had served me well – they had deepened her respect for me, and had shown even more clearly the solidity and substance of my character.  Given all that, they were not to be given up lightly.

We talked in circles for a long time, and seemed to get nowhere.  We needed marriage, and could not have it (so we reasoned), and she was unwilling to compromise my principles.  She was more adamant about that than I was.  Indeed, I was weak.  But I said that it was time for another promise.  So the futile circle of conversation was broken, and we talked about engagement.  No ring for now, we decided.  That was a mere symbol, and one that we could add to the formula any time we saw fit – probably when I, or we, could afford a better ring than finances then allowed.

To the outside world, what happened that day looked like less than an engagement.  But, in truth, it was much more.  It was a marriage.  We did not make our promise right there on the bench.  It seemed too important to do there.  We went back to my place and discussed it more.  We decided to write down ideas and compare notes.  It wasn’t long before my thought on the matter had condensed itself into a short paragraph, and that short paragraph was done before she had written down five words.  She decided not to change a thing.

It was dark before we ventured out to the VFW park, a short walk from my apartment, and stood under the canopy of a weeping willow, with a lamp nearby, shining through the leaves, casting stark shadows on us, the grass, and a nearby picnic table.  Other lampposts were visible, but none seemed to be casting substantial light on us.  Clouds obscured the stars and moon.  All we had to see each other by was that one light, divided by thousands of leaf-shapes in hundreds of long, stringy lines.  The image in my mind is as clear as a photograph to this day.

The willow arched over us like a cathedral that night.  Although I had been in that park hundreds of times before and have been many times since, it never felt that special or sacred before.  My words took the form of a promise.  We read it to each other, made that promise to each other, and walked solemnly yet joyously back to my apartment, hand in hand.

We slept together that night, for the first time.  There was a closeness, a freedom, we felt which had eluded us for some weeks, and had never, in fact, been as complete as it was right then.  And I say this despite the fact that we both remained almost fully clothed, and really just slept together.  It was enough for right then.

I still have the paper I wrote our promise on.  It’s deeply important to me, to this day, and has everything to do with what happened as time went on.  And so here are the words from that paper, copied word for word:

You are the love of my life; a companion I never want to live without.  To preserve our friendship, our companionship, and our love, I promise to nurture it throughout life, whatever life may bring.  I will honor our love throughout life’s trials, as long as both you and I live in this world.

It’s easy to argue now that it was too early to make promises like that, amounting to a secret marriage.  But you know what I think about promises.

For a while, Cindi and I were as close as ever – maybe even closer.   And, even when I sensed a distance building between us, it was hard to put my finger on.  I wasn’t even sure, for a while, that it was real.  I did nothing during that time to increase that distance, and I even tried to close it.  But it soon became clear that just passively trying to be close wasn’t going to work.  Something was bothering her, and I needed to find out what it was.

It wasn’t easy to find out.  She avoided the issue – because I couldn’t put my finger on just what was happening, why I sensed the distance, I also couldn’t make her face the issue.  I came to realize she was not being honest.  Dishonesty is easier to fall into than many realize, and it’s expected and tolerated in many circles.  But it was time to clarify another aspect of our relationship.

“You realize how important honesty and integrity are to me,” I said.  “I do everything within my power to live with honor.  You know this, don’t you?”  She nodded.  I continued.  “I need and expect the same from those I am close to.  Perfection is impossible, but I need to know if I can always count on you to be honest and honorable to the best of your ability.”

She looked up at me, seeming both shy and humble – almost fearful.  “I will,” she said.  “I’ll do my best for you.”

I was glad to hear this.  It surprised me to realize that I had not asked her this fundamental question earlier, before becoming so close.  It was a relief for me to find out that this was okay.  I smiled and looked on her tenderly.  I knew that honesty and integrity are heavy, difficult subjects when one feels vulnerable.  “That’s all I ask of you,” I said, smiling bigger to try and get her to smile, too.  “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

She appeared to relax a little, but remained silent.

“Please tell me,” I repeated, “or look into my eyes and tell me that nothing is wrong.”

She looked into my eyes, and I realized right then that she wasn’t smiling, and hadn’t smiled in my presence for some time.  It may even be how I sensed there was distance.  How subtle the signs of the inner mind’s workings can be sometimes!  “There’s something wrong,” she said, “but I’m afraid to tell you.  Maybe it’s just silly, but I’m afraid to tell you.”

“We can be good friends if you never tell me,” I said.  “But you can sense how this is putting some distance between us.  Many good friends have a little distance between them.  It’s your choice.  I think we can be much closer, like I think you and I both want to be, if you tell me.  I can’t imagine anything you can tell me that would make me think less of you right now.  I think you risk more by not telling me.”
I felt every word that I told her.  I wanted her to be open with me.  I was willing to take the risk, to learn more about her.  An honest person has nothing to hide from those who are close to them, those whom they trust.  “Do you trust me?” I asked.

“Yes, more than anyone I’ve ever known,” she said.  “I’m just afraid you won’t understand.”

“If I don’t understand right away,” I said, “you can help me until I do.”  By this time, I was wondering if she were dangerous, if she’d been a criminal.  I was ready to accept anything.  This is how important she was to me.  Already, I was beginning to wonder if such devotion to someone I’d known such a short time were wise.  But that was premature.  I didn’t even know what she had to say.

“Remember that night I slept over?” she asked.

“Of course,” I said.

“And you told me you’d never…”

“Yes, I hope that isn’t a problem,” I answered, half joking.

“No, of course not,” she replied.  “I told you, I admire that.”

“I don’t seem to be reading your mind yet.”  I tried not to sound impatient.  “Can you just tell me what’s wrong?”

“I’m not as … admirable as you are,” she told me after a long pause.

Then it was my turn to pause.  Was she just concerned that I would not accept her past?  Did she think I was a prude, demanding celibacy – virginity, even – just because I had made that choice for myself?  Or was there more?  But I’d come to trust her – I knew something of about her moral fiber, or thought I did.  So I couldn’t think what else it could be.

I’d paused too long.  She was looking uncomfortable.  “Are you talking about the past?” I asked.  “Before we became close?”

“Oh yes, of course!” she said.  “Long before I even met you!  And I’m not ashamed of it – but I was afraid you’d see me as tainted or something.”

And I was relieved.  “Is that all it is?” I asked.  “Is that really all there is?”  I took her hand in mine and said, “Your experiences have formed you, made you who you are.  And I like who you are.”  She smiled, possibly for the first time in days.  “You and I will never be the same person,” I continued.  We will never hold the exact same values.

“You and I are still learning about each other.  But I want to learn about who you are now, not what you did then.  We don’t need to discuss your past at all except when you want to, if it bothers you.  As we learn about each other, we may grow closer or we may grow apart.  But your past will never make me grow apart from you.  Now, are you sure that’s all?”

Before she answered, I knew that was all.  I could see it in her smile.  “Yes,” she said, visibly relieved.  “Yes, that’s all.”

So it was a big deal over nothing.  Even now, despite all that’s happened, I still see it that way.  Her smile spoke volumes to me.  I do not have the gift of an infectious personality.  When I go on and on for more than a sentence or so, as I had just done with her, most people’s eyes tend to glaze over.  It makes it difficult for me to make friends.  I have to keep everything short and sweet or nobody wants to listen.  But many of my thoughts are just too complex to fit nicely into ten-second sound bites.  Cindi always seemed to understand that, and I treasured her for it.

“If that’s all,” I told her, “then it’s nothing.  You never made any claims about your past.  And you’ve never made me any promises about the future.  You could date someone else tomorrow without breech of honor.”

“I don’t want to,” she said quietly, almost whispering.

“You don’t have to want to.  I’m just saying…”

“I know I’m still learning about you.  But I want to make a promise to you, if you will make the same promise to me.”

“I don’t make promises lightly.  But I’m willing to listen.”

And so I listened.  And it turned out not to be such a big deal.  She wasn’t dating anyone else, and neither was I.  And so we agreed to keep it that way – be exclusive.  We were another step closer to each other.  We had that much more trust in each other.  I imagine everyone does these agreements differently.  For us, it just meant that whoever wanted to change the nature of the relationship had to tell the other.  It was very simple; I essentially agreed to do something I would have done anyway – and I think she did, too.

I had no uneasiness about it back then.  But now I do.  It now feels like this is where I began to set myself up – where my caution really began to fail.  But there is no reason to blame myself.  It’s not my fault.  But, as I was saying, things felt pretty good right then.  I’d even started to like how she spelled her name.

To tell the truth, I had given up on finding someone who would see the merits of my viewpoints and life choices so easily.  I still believe that most Americans hold my values; but they don’t realize how irreconcilable they are with other viewpoints creeping into our culture.  I did not have to explain things to Cindi to gain her respect.  I had that from the beginning.  When I did explain things, she did not feel I was preaching to her.  I could be myself, and not worry.  I wanted it to be true, but at first didn’t believe it could be.  As the months wore on, however, I began to accept the evidence.

Change is a constant in the universe.  During that golden time, everything seemed to be changing for the better.  I felt warm and happy about being alive.  So I decided to accept the change in my life as real.  Whether or not the relationship was permanent, I still didn’t know.   But I did know that I had found someone similar enough to me to understand me.  And I knew the significance of that was lifelong, no matter what.

After we made our little promise, after we smiled into each other’s eyes and reveled in our newly found understanding, we kissed for a long time.  It was a long enough time for us to melt together, to feel as if our souls were united for a time, and could speak freely, without the confines of language.  It was difficult to part at the end of the evening.  We felt we belonged together.

I didn’t think much about it again until about a week later.  I was at the hardware store, getting a few items I need for work.  I manage an apartment complex – do minor repairs, cleaning, call in specialists as needed.  It doesn’t pay real well, but it’s good, honest work, the hours are flexible, and I always have a place to live rent-free.  I don’t need much beyond the basics of food, clothing, and shelter.  And my employers love that I never cheat them out of anything.  Never.  Not so much as a wire or a screw or a piece of paper – things some employers tolerate as a matter of course.

So I was there at the checkout counter, when a young lady, about my age, approached me.  At first, I didn’t recognize her.  “You’re the one at the park,” she said.  “At the park, last week.”

As I said, I hadn’t given the incident a lot of thought until that point.  It had been just one of life’s many episodes.  “There were a lot of people at the park last week,” I said.

She smiled.  The smile looked familiar, but I still did not understand.  “The one who made the kids stop trashing the park,” she said.

Then I understood.  She was one of the people who smiled at me as I returned to my friends.  “I did not make them stop.  I just told them my views, gave them a perspective, and they chose to stop, at my request.”

She was still smiling.  It was a beautiful smile.  “That’s what I admired about it,” she said.  “I heard part of it.  Most people wouldn’t have handled it so calmly.”

“Thank you,” I said, genuinely touched.  It wasn’t just a beautiful smile.  She was a lovely girl – long brown hair, startling green eyes that looked as if they had a dimension all their own.  And maybe that influenced how I felt toward her.  But a pretty girl doesn’t usually get to me without some substance, and, to this day, I think she was showing some substance here.

She smiled yet again (what a smile!) and then wrote on a slip of paper taken from her purse.  “You’re welcome,” she said after she finished writing.  She folded the slip of paper and handed it to me.  “I’d like to talk about it some more,” she continued, “if you want to.”  She smiled one more time.  “Bye now!”

“Bye,” I said, and watched her turn to leave.  Her tank top and shorts showed a golden tan that makes a man wonder how a suntan can possibly be unhealthy.  My skin is as white as a sheet.  But it was really difficult to say she’d made a bad choice.  I unfolded the slip of paper.  It said, “Cindi”, and had a phone number.  Cindi, I thought.  C-i-n-d-i.  At least she didn’t dot her i’s with circles or hearts.  And maybe her parents named her that.

Now, I’m not generally one to gush like that about one moment in my life – but this was a defining moment.  It changed the direction of my life.  It started me on the road to where I am now.

I am a cautious person, and I was back then, too.  I held on to the slip of paper, wondering what she wanted.  But, in the end, I saw no real trap.  She may want more than just to talk, but that’s all she asked for, I thought, so she’ll need to accept it if that’s all she gets.  And, while I was figuring that out, I could see her smile again.

So I called her, and we had dinner.  We talked for a long time, and she smiled a lot.  It turned out she was twenty years old, a couple of years younger than I was at the time, and was studying literature at the community college.  She still lived with her parents.  She was a nice girl.  She even made a respectable effort to pay for dinner, at least her part, but was gracious in thanking me when my will prevailed.

I liked her.  She lacked some direction, but I knew a lot of people her age (and older), who did, as well.  It doesn’t make sense to make an uninformed decision just to have a decision made.  She asked if I was “in a relationship” during dinner, but never pushed things further than that.  For the most part, she kept to her word, and just talked.  And so I thought that I would talk to her again.

At the end of the evening, she gave me a soft kiss on the cheek, and said, “You’re a real special guy, Tom.”  It was a little forward, but harmless.  And I have to admit it felt good.  I may have even blushed a little.  I wasn’t used to that sort of thing.  I usually go by Thomas, but decided she could call me Tom.  I do try to be flexible.

So I kept meeting with her, and I kept talking with her.  And we came to like each other quite a lot.  About two weeks after our dinner, she said, “Oh, why don’t you kiss me?”  And so I did, lightly, softly, for about a second.  But that was enough for me to know I’d do it again.  It felt good, and it felt right.  And so we made that transformation – not just meeting now, we had dates.  Not just friends, we were in a relationship – “seeing each other.”  It was a good thing.

It was generally she who had to move the relationship along.  I couldn’t blame her.  I am slow and cautious.  She started to join me as I did some of my outdoor work.  It was good to have someone to talk to.  I read some of the books from her literature classes, and we talked about them.  And so we became involved in each other’s lives.  She became more and more important to me.

Our relationship was a light and easy thing, but with all the depth I could want.  Then, a few months after our first dinner, she asked if she could stay the night.  She didn’t look particularly tired, but I offered to drive her home anyway.  “You’ll be more comfortable in your own bed,” I said.

“I don’t want my own bed tonight, she said, kissing me softly, so that I almost melted right there.  “I want yours.”  And she kissed me again.

Now, I know there are those out there who make sexual relations the goal of every evening when they go out.  And I know there are many others that feel that a relationship just naturally should go there after enough time has passed.  But that is a part of the current American view that I do not share.

“Cindi,” I said gently, “I’m not sure if you realize how much you’re asking of me.  It’s a big step for me.”

“I know,” she said.  “And I respect that, more than you can know.  It’s so different from other guys I’ve known.   But it feels so good to be with you, and I want to share…” and paused, before adding, “…more.”

“It’s a step I don’t see myself taking outside of marriage,” I said.  “It’s a step I’ve never taken before.”

Her eyes widened a bit, but she recovered quickly, and said, “I see.”  She gave me a long hug, kissed me again, and said, “You’re more special than I thought.”

And so I thought the matter was closed.  She fell asleep sitting next to me that night, and I carried her to my bed, covered her up, kissed her forehead gently, and made a bed for myself on the couch.  In the morning, she went home.

So, instead of troubling with a long history of my childhood, I’ll start with a young adult, some five years ago, and thus some five years younger than I am now.  And yet the person that I am now was fully formed then, and acted toward himself and others in a way that I would still be proud to act today.  Just over five years ago, it was – on the Monday of Memorial Day Weekend.

I and a few friends were celebrating with a picnic at Freedom Park, adjacent to the VFW building downtown.  It was and still is a rather large park for being right in the center of town, but it was donated to the city long before the rest of it was built up, under the condition that it be perpetually dedicated to public recreation.  The members of the VFW, as part of their civic service, spend many volunteer hours a year keeping the park clean and well tended.  So, in general, the park is a wonderful place to spend an afternoon, even on summer holidays, when it tends to be crowded.

We had staked out our picnic table and grill early, and were just getting the coals ready to cook when we noticed a group of about 20 high school kids talking loudly and obviously drinking underage.  But that’s their business.  We tried to ignore them.  Others around the park did much the same.  It was a beautiful day, and we were all in good spirits.

But, as our burgers began to get done, the group of kids became more and more unruly.  They became louder, and they began to throw trash on the ground.  Understand that they had a half-empty trash can 20 feet away from them.  Once in a while, they’d throw a bottle at a nearby lamppost to see if they could get it to shatter.  But, because the kids kept mainly to themselves, people kept trying to ignore them.

I didn’t see it quite that way.  Here it was, Memorial Day, the day when we’re supposed to honor those who have given their lives to maintain the way of life that we value so much.  And here we were, in a park maintained by those had fought in these wars, some of them undoubtedly losing very good friends.  And here were a bunch of young, ignorant punks, dishonoring the memories of these valiant men, some of whom were personally known to the very people who kept the park nice for them.  These kids might as well have been spitting upon their graves as defiling their park.

My friends thought I should just ignore them – and perhaps help clean up later, if I felt bad about it.  But I could not let that matter rest.  Against my friends’ advice, I approached them, and asked them politely to stop defiling the park, and to put their trash in the trash can.  I had already learned that respect gains respect in many situations.  So, although I was already very angry by the time I approached them, I was very polite, and told them how I felt about the significance of the day, and of the park, and about the honor of those who died for the country.  Now, many would predict that the kids just laughed me off or that a fight ensued.

Nothing of the kind happened.  The kids said that they were sorry, and were just trying to have a little fun.  They picked up what they had thrown about, including the broken glass, and disposed of it all properly.  I thanked them sincerely, and went back to my friends.  On the way back, I saw some people smiling at me, and I smiled back.  It was a good moment.  The kids continued to be loud, and they played rough games with each other, but they did not defile the park again, so it was easy enough to ignore the noise.  We, and many others, continued to enjoy the park until well into the evening.

I am not the type of person to blame society for my problems.  I believe in honesty and integrity, and in basic respect for my fellow man.  I believe in individual responsibility for individual actions.  I believe that good people do bad things sometimes.  Humans are fallible.  But a good person who does something wrong will see the error in his ways and will both apologize and do everything in his power to set things right.  A man of integrity will spend his life righting a wrong, if necessary.

From the beginning, I must say that I have done nothing wrong.  That is, I have no outstanding wrongs to right.  I lay no claim to perfection, but I do not waver from what I believe in.  Most people in this country, I am firmly convinced, still believe in the principles this country was founded on.  Many, I dare say, are afraid to admit it.  I mourn their weakness, but, in truth, cannot fault them for it.  It takes a lot of strength these days to stand up for what you believe in, and such strength is more often looked down upon than respected.

Those who crave the approval of others have an especially difficult time standing up for their own beliefs.  The craving for approval is a disease from which I suffer very little, if at all.  It is because of this, and not because of any special strength on my part, that I am able to maintain my integrity.  I have sacrificed many things because of this – some would say too much – but it is a small price to pay for the ability to go to bed every night with the certainty that I have done right by the world that day.

Many would say I have no tolerance for other viewpoints.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I respect any man who stands up for what he believes in.  I respect any man of principle.  And men of principle respect me.  We may differ in political viewpoint, or in religious perspective, but we each have beliefs.  Each of us knows where the others stand, and there is trust that comes from that.  I may disagree with a man to the point of nearly hating him, but, if he stands by his beliefs, I will not disrespect him.

No, it is the person without beliefs that I cannot fully respect.  The “open mind” is an excuse for mindlessness.  The man (or shadow of a man) without beliefs may be intelligent, even clever; but he lacks a foundation.  He cannot stand firm, and every wave of opinion moves him one way or another.  But you can never convince such a person of these things, because he is, indeed, spineless.  He’ll twist not only your words and his, but his very own self, into a bow or a pretzel, until you realize there is no way to pin him down on anything.  You cannot reason with someone who has no foundation from which to build logic.

What others call inflexibility I call dependability.  I will not tell a lie, even to save face or to save feelings.  I do not bend the truth to suit my purposes.  When I transact business, I pay the price the merchant demands.  It is his merchandise, and he can part with it at his discretion.  If the price is too high, I either buy somewhere else or go without.  But I do not cheat the merchant.  And I do not allow the merchant to cheat me.  Not out of a single penny.  A few cents may make no difference to me, but a few cents many times over adds up, and it is too high a price to pay for the ability to tolerate dishonesty.  In truth, I do not want to tolerate dishonesty; so why should I pay anything for the ability to do it?

I extend this principle to the whole of my life.  Showing respect is a marvelous way to receive respect in return.  Respect is my first position in all situations dealing with another human.  I may be dealing with someone whom I know to be the very scum of the earth, but it does no good to treat anyone with open disdain.  It may well be that my respect will be met with disrespect and dishonest behavior.  But, while respect is not always met with respect, disrespect is almost always met with disrespect.  Showing respect, you can sometimes deal with out-and-out criminals and come out with a fair shake.

I learned this from the martial arts.  I have a brown belt in Karate, though I haven’t practiced in several years.  I want to again, when I get the money.  Violence against another human is truly a last resort.  It is not my job to distribute justice in the world; just to look after my own interests.  Even someone who commits a crime against me should be punished by the law, rather than by me, if at all possible.  I say this knowing full well that many, many criminals do not get properly punished, even when they are brought into the hands of the law.  But, while it is my right as an American to speak up about this, it is not my right to take the law into my own hands, unless I absolutely have no choice.

The point is, I believe in treating every individual with respect until I have no choice but to treat him otherwise.  Even those whom I cannot respect intellectually receive the full benefit of my honesty and integrity.  I hope, perhaps, to show by example that the path of honor is the only really sane path to take.  Once convinced of this, nobody is too weak to stand with integrity.  The bad seed is a small minority to start with, but, if there are enough people, a small percentage still adds up to a large number – and a powerful little group gains the strength to grow.

Look at the small town in America.  There are still places, though many would not believe it, where people walk at night in peace and safety.   There are places where nobody locks his door, and nobody suffers any consequences from leaving his house open for all the world.  These are places where a small percentage means a small number, and the bad seed can be readily controlled.  These are places where people come closest to recognizing the benefits of integrity and honesty.  Anyone who leads a life of honor will find peace in himself.  But those who are also consistently treated with honor find peace in the world, as well.

I do not write all of this to convince anyone of my viewpoint.  Those who already agreed will still agree when they are done reading.  And those who did not agree before will walk away still not agreeing.  Maybe nobody will even read this at all.  But I want the chance to exist that someone will read this.  And this chance cannot exist unless I actually write it down.  I have tried to get people to listen to me, and have failed in almost every circumstance.  Most who begin to listen to me know only of my actions, and refuse to understand the reasons behind them.

Many think they understand, but the understandings they’ve formed in their heads are utterly simple-minded, and thus easily dismissed.  Many blame rage when honesty, integrity, and reason have ruled throughout.  It is a natural reaction.  Making my deeds foreign – either inexplicable beyond reason or explainable by easily dismissible delusions that I must hold – makes it easier to believe that the world around them is, in principle, good.  If I maintain any credibility at all, I threaten that belief.  In a way, it is pitiful to watch how tightly some cling to these useless crutches.

So I needed to tell you something about myself first – about who I am, and what I believe.  Those who would judge me should first know this about me.  I strive to lead an honorable and honest life, and to pursue all my affairs with integrity.  I acknowledge my mistakes, especially those where my integrity falters, and do my very best to put right whatever I have made wrong.  I do this not because I feel that I am better than everyone else, but because it is the best way I know to live at peace with myself and with relative peace toward the world.  Most importantly, and I repeat this: I have nothing at this point in my life to apologize for, nothing that I have not, in the past, done my utmost to put right.  Recent events are the result of the lack of honesty and integrity in a few, the lack of insight in a few more, and the lack of access to the proper information for a good many more.

It is this lack of access to information that I hope to set right here.  I cannot see that evil on my part has contributed to these events.  I cannot see that any lack of honesty or honor on my part has contributed to these events.  I do see clearly where adherence to my principles has steered the events, but this is not something that I can apologize for, and it is not something that I can regret.  Some readers may find I am nothing like them, and they will likely be right – and this will probably be easy reading for them.  Others are like me, but will convince themselves that I am lying.  But I challenge these to treat me with the initial respect I grant even the scum of the earth, and they will no longer be able to reach such a conclusion.

I started with a cross-section of who I am now.  This cross-section applies to me during the entire history of what I will relate here.  How I came by my values is not so important, nor do I believe that I have all of the knowledge necessary to explain it properly.  I am sure that the examples of my parents helped a great deal, as did my education, and many of the other things to which we commonly attribute the finer qualities in ourselves.  Why others, who had just as much in the way of education and good examples, somehow lost their sense of honor, I cannot say.  And this is also why I do not feel that I can provide a good explanation of how my values developed.  Suffice it to say that I have them, and that I honestly believe that they are a set of values held deep in the hearts of many, even a majority, of the American people.

I believe that enough time has passed since the events described in the following manuscript that, although many may remember them from news reports, most should be able to read this perspective without taking too much offense.  Indeed, this is not a unique case; many like it have happened before and since.  So I hope that I have waited long enough, and that the presentation at this time is in good taste.

Many will read the following and wonder why I even bother with this preface.  For these readers, I hope that these few paragraphs are short enough that they will not prove too much an inconvenience.  But I do have a warning to give, to those who sometimes feel the need to dehumanize others, to dismiss them as animals in order to keep their versions of the world clean and safe. These should not read further.  They will either dismiss the following outright or have their views severely challenged, and I don’t want to impose such a change on anybody who is not ready for it.

Finally, to those who sympathize with the man who wrote the words below, who may even be on a course similar to his, I hope these pages can be a help to you.  Perhaps, by reading his story and bringing it into your consciousness, you can write a different story for yourself.

Beyond this, the manuscript needs little introduction.  Since there was no trial, the courts had little need for it, beyond establishing its essential truth.  And so, through a friend of mine in the legal system, whose identity I will protect here, I ended up with a Xerox copy of what follows.  The sheets were typewritten, with neither page numbers nor dates, so I doubt that the originals looked all that different from the copies I received.  The sections are mine, not his – but that is the only change I have made to the text, other than typographical niceties, such as substituting italics for underlining and correcting the occasional trivial spelling error.  It seems apparent that the entire work was written within a few days.  And so, until I greet you again at the end, I leave the manuscript to speak for itself.