Long, long ago, sometime in the 80’s, I think, comedian George Carlin observed that, in traffic, every driver who wants to go faster than you is a maniac, and every driver who wants to go slower is an idiot. I think something similar is true regarding people’s opinions of correct grammar. Everyone has a standard; and anyone with higher standards is hopelessly pedantic, while everyone with lower standards is borderline illiterate. It helps when I examine my own views in that light.

I’m not a big stickler on things like split infinitives and the conjunctive case. If you use the conjunctive, as it were, most verbs take the same form as the past tense. “If I went”, “If you had”, and, even “If they were”. So, if someone says, “If I was”, who am I to complain? “If I was” can’t mean anything else, and English isn’t Latin.

I feel the same about the insistence that the nominative case be used with any form of the verb “to be”. It’s an academic insistence on the equivalence of the subject and object. If there’s anyone who feels inclined to break that rule, it’s me. I also think that prepositions are perfectly fine words to end sentences with. When I’m being more formal, I sometimes still follow that rule, and I may even use conjunctives correctly — but I’m firmly on the page of those who coined the many and various “up with which I will not put” phrases commonly attributed to Winston Churchill.

I also think that the word “data” has changed from its original Latin meaning. Over the years, common usage has made it a mass singular in the style of “sand” or “glass”. The glass is being melted, the sand is on the beach, and the data is stored on this DVD. You can have a piece of glass, a grain of sand, or a bit of data. The pieces, grains, and bits can be plural, but the sand, glass, and data, in common usage, can’t. I mean, what is a datum in common usage, anyway — a one or a zero? We already have a much shorter word for that. I’m okay with people using “data” as a plural, but I’m not okay with people insisting on it.

Usage does change language. The word “pea” came from the mass singular “pease”, which eventually became the plural “peas”. So, “peas” and “data” are traveling the linguistic road in opposite directions.

So far, I don’t sound like much of a stickler, but I actually am. There are phrases in common use that absolutely make me cringe. If someone writes, “Your to funny”, I’m tempted to answer “My am?” The phrase makes no more sense than “My from stupid” — except, of course, that it does. One makes perfect sense if you speak it, and one does not. Even in written form, there’s no ambiguity in its meaning. So, why do I even care? I just do.

In text messaging done from phones, I understand why abbreviated usage happens. “yr 2 fny” is partly the result of every letter taking multiple keystrokes. In instant messaging from computers, however, where a full keyboard is being used, it’s probably better to spell stuff out most of the time. In either case, “Your to funny” isn’t abbreviated. It’s just wrong.

As a child and teen, I used to refer to “magic marker English”, defined as the type of written English found on handmade signs in small stores. These signs still exist, but many of them are now computer printouts, looking much more refined, until you look at the words on them. It used to be that printing up a sign took some money, so it was less common to see glaring errors in printed signs (not that they didn’t still happen sometimes). But the means of production fell into the hands of the people, and the quality of production suffered.

Signs would typically confuse “there”, “their”, and “they’re”. They’d use quotes for emphasis, where simple underlining would do. A sign might read:

Customers are “required” to where there shoes.

If I exaggerate, it’s only by a tiny bit. In a buffet restaurant in the Tampa Bay area, I once saw a sign that said:

Mashed Potatoes Made From “Scratch”

It made me wonder if they were using “Scratch” brand powdered potatoes — but, if so, I highly recommend “Scratch” brand. I’ve never had better instant potatoes anywhere.

Online classified ads are another place where gut-wrenching errors happen. They’re not all typos. They can’t be. In the absence of editors who take at least a little care with printed classifieds, you get gems like one I saw in my company’s classifieds about a dozen years ago, advertising a used camera.

Perfect for beginner and novice a like!

it boasted. I used to keep a log of these gems, but that one stands out. So, there was an uncorrected typo, or near-typo, along with complete misuse of one of two words (you take your pick). Both made me cringe. I cringed in stereo, and I remember it to this day.

I know I’m not alone in this. I have a friend, with whom I’ve bonded on this for all twelve of these years. This friend has even considered ending relationships over this issue. I don’t think I’d take it that far. Many people who never met a semicolon (or, possibly, even a comma) that they knew what to do with are way better at math than I am. I’m not too bad at math, either — but the point is, we all have our talents. I don’t think I ever struggled with third grade grammar — not even in third grade. It was no accomplishment. So, if someone else did struggle, and finally decided the struggle wasn’t worth it, who am I to judge? But I don’t judge, not intellectually. It’s all in my gut.

I realize I can’t write an article like this without some risk that people will point out errors in it, finding the irony delicious. I welcome your comments. Also, if there’s any linguistic pet peeve you have, or, if you differ from me in your opinion about what’s acceptable and what isn’t, I’d love to hear about it. Am I a hopeless pedantic, or am I a borderline illiterate? I’d like to believe that what I think is okay represents usage common enough that we should accept it as a change in the language, while what bothers me is simply bad grammar that will never be adopted by the people at large — but how can I know that?

Does it help, at least, that I know that my opinions on this subject are arbitrary? Would George Carlin be proud of me?

This entry was posted on Monday, February 4th, 2008 at 6:34 AM and is filed under Steve Thinks. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.