The ability to put oneself in another’s shoes is fundamental to most meaningful relationships. I’ve found this especially true in parenting. It sometimes takes an extra effort of will – the child’s situation can be so different.

When Dani came home, it was very difficult. She wouldn’t let us out of her sight, she cried and screamed, sometimes over the slightest things, and she fought going to sleep, keeping us up late into the night. And so I wrote the following piece to help me cope.

Ah-YA-ya is David, her big brother, eleven at the time. “Na-na-na” is the cry she used when we first picked her up. We thought it might be for her nanny. A report we got from her nanny said she’d sometimes hit other children who were getting attention that she wanted. Ma-ma and Ba-ba are the Mandarin words for mother and father, and she used them for a while. Anyway, this is what I wrote:

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My name is Dani. That’s my name right now. I have had other names, back when I knew other people.

Right now, I have a Ma-ma, a Ba-ba, and an Ah-YA-ya. They all call me Dani, or Dan-Dan, or sometimes other names. But my name is Dani right now.

I used to have a Na-na-na, and people called me Ze Ling or Ling Ling. And I think I had another name, too, at a different time. But I’m not sure.

I learned a lot about life with my Na-na-na. My Na-na-na took care of me, but there were babies around, too. The babies were about my size, but they were not like me. When they fell down, it didn’t hurt me, like when I fall down. When they ate, I didn’t get any less hungry.

When it was time to eat, my Na-na-na would sit me and the babies in a circle, and she would give us a bottle, or spoon feed us. Sometimes, when she was done, I would still be hungry. But I wouldn’t get any more to eat for a long time. If I cried, and said, “Eh! Eh! Eh!”, I got more food. The spoon or bottle would go into my mouth more times, and I wouldn’t be as hungry when my Na-na-na was finished. Sometimes, I would still be hungry when she was done, but not as hungry, and not as often.

When I go to sleep, people go away. Sometimes they come back, and sometimes they don’t.

I did have another name, other than Dani and Dan-Dan, Ze Ling and Ling Ling. I woke up and there were strange noises, and bright sunlight, and my blanket. I cried, and new people came and found me. The old people never came back. And I got my Na-na-na. Sometimes, I would fall asleep, and she would come back after I woke up.

One day, Ma-ma, Ba-ba, and Ah-YA-ya came to see me. They were from pictures, and my Na-na-na showed them to me. She showed me the pictures, then she showed me the real people. When the real people came, she went away.

When my Na-na-na goes away, I call for her. I cry, because I’m upset. I don’t want my Na-na-na to go away. Sometimes, she will stay for a while and give me kisses. She loves me, I think.

When she left me with Ma-ma and Ba-ba and Ah-YA-ya, it was outrageous. I made my angry cry. I made my afraid cry. I made my loudest, loudest cry. She came back once, but then went away again. And then Ba-ba took me away, and took me inside a room with windows, and sat down. Ma-ma and Ah-YA-ya came, too. And a whole bunch of big people and babies sat in the same room. The room moved. Trees and buildings passed by the windows. I had a lot to look at. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, my Na-na-na was not there, and she never came back.

Sometimes I like my Ba-ba best, sometimes I like my Ma-ma best, and sometimes I like my Ah-YA-ya best. I might sometimes like my Na-na-na best, too, but she never comes back. Letting anybody that I like best out of my sight is not safe. I never know how long it will take them to come back. And they might never come back.

Letting someone else have someone I like best is not safe. Sometimes, my Na-na-na would play with the babies instead of me. They’d get attention that I didn’t get, hugs I didn’t get, and kisses I didn’t get. I like attention, hugs, and kisses. Sometimes, my Na-na-na would spend almost all her time with the babies instead of me. I learned not to let that happen. The babies have no right to take my Na-na-na away, and I’ll fight for her time if I have to. I’ll hit and slap and scratch and cry.

Going to sleep is not safe. Almost every time I wake up, I’m alone. I don’t want to be alone. I need people to feed me. I need attention from people. I need hugs and kisses. I can’t get any of this if everyone goes away.

Waiting quietly for food is not safe. Any food I don’t get right away might get fed to someone else. It might disappear altogether. I might have to stay hungry, just because I didn’t speak up, or because I wasn’t loud enough. I will not make that mistake.

My name is Dani today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be Ling Ling again, and my Na-na-na will come back. Or maybe I’ll have my other name, or a new name, with new people. But I’ll take my lessons with me, whatever my name is. I wish I could have the same name and the same people all the time. It scares me to keep changing. Every time my name changes, a whole lot of other things change, too. And maybe I won’t like my next name and my next people. But now I know how to take care of me, and how to keep myself safe, so nobody else gets all the food and hugs and kisses and attentention that should be for me.

Ma-ma and Ba-ba and Ah-YA-ya are my people today. I’ll keep them if I can.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 16th, 2007 at 7:15 AM and is filed under Adoption. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.